Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
