Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
