My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
