were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
