just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
just tell him i said nine months
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
