we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
