I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
