so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
