i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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