a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
