girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
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