You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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