So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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