Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
