Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
