dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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