walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
