Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
