my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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