I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Tell her she can't have a vagina
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
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