I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
