Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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