I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
