Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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