You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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