forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He? As in you personified your dick?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
