when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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