I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
