I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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