Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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