I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
