mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
We're too hungover to prance.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
