Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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