Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
