Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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