If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
