this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
