i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
