I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize