got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
that is very illegal...i love you.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
