i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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