Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Randomize
