You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
