I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
