just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
