it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
