i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
