If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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