My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
