Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
